Solitary Thoughts!

The day goes by in a hurry,

I don’t see the sun rise,

Or the birds fly.

I don’t smell the rose that bloomed yesterday,

Nor do I know how the mud smells in the first rain.

I don’t hear the sparrows chirp,

Or even the water drip when it rains.

I don’t anymore know if a rainbow does have seven colours,

Or beyond those black clouds, if there is a blue sky.

I forget how it felt to swing high and

Feel the wind in my hair.

I haven’t walked on the grass bare feet,

Haven’t pricked on the thorn from the ‘touch me not’s for so long.

I know not how it felt when the waves swept me off my feet,

Neither how the little fishes bit my knee deep legs in the pond.

Do the seasons still change? I don’t see it now.

I don’t see the dews the morning leaves on the greens,

I don’t see the red leaves depart their trees,

I don’t see the squirrels hide away in the cold,

I don’t see the first flower that’s burst open in the spring,

I don’t see the cuckoo that sings all day in the sun.

I wonder if they still do exist….

Or do I ask, if I am still alive??

The 'morrow !

The night sleeps...
the calm has set in,
the nightingale is asleep
after a long day.
Will she sing again tomorrow,
or will she drown in the world's sorrow?

Some say 'yes';
the sun will shine again and she will wake for a great morrow.
Some say 'no';
she would forget the song and will rest forever,in her burrow.

The moon shines silver now,
what is in her morrow know I how?
Will she rise to glory and would the world smile,,
Will she calm down to sleep and never wake up...

That is unknown till the dawn brights up !!!

A fleeting thought!

Those mornings when I walked with your hands in mine,

seeing the morning sun come up,

drenching the meadows with the warm sunlight,

the flowers dancing wearing the dew drops,

the road seemed to never end, there were no planned turns,

the shades along were green and the songs were of nightingales.

All the clouds were white and the sky was a crystal,

my feet touched on the sand and I felt like I was floating.

The wind blew me along and I still held your hands,

my dreams and hopes talked all about you.

Now the rains drench me in your memories,

the sea waves touch my feet and I see,

you hold not my hands anymore,

the roads have changed their path,

but the sun is the same,

drenching the sea and me,

the birds still sing a beautiful song,

the shades are still golden yellow.

My heart is still filled with blossoming love.

Just Like That!!

“Ammu said that human beings were creatures of habit, and it was amazing the kind of things one could get used to.”-- Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things




Reading Arundhathi Roy’s ‘God of Small Things’ was a pleasure. I read it first when I was traveling in Sabari express back to my hostel in Cochin after my vacation-1st year of Engineering. The book was borrowed from my father’s office library and I had to rush through it to complete it as it had to be returned soon. It was like swallowing the whole ice cream in a gulp, which should have been otherwise relished gradually, bit by bit. Well anyways, I liked the book even then. But I doubt if, back then, I understood the infinite emotions the book holds. Now, five years out of college, I decided to read the book again and as a first step bought it online. As with every other book I sit down to read, I had the initial trouble to start with it. But then, I did start reading. And I lived the book with Ammu, Rahel, Estha and their ‘God of Small Things’.

During my course of reading, Rahel and Estha rode with me on my scooter while I went to office, returned, when I bought fruits in the market, when I went to hospital to collect reports and everywhere I went. I fell in love with the twins, their ideas, their emotions, their love for Ammu and even with the fountains with ‘Love in Tokyo’ bands and the pointed boots and collars. I swam in the ‘Ayemenem’ River, ate the salted pickles and listened to Ammu’s version of different things in life and felt the love that Rahel and Estha had for their Velutha.

I lived the book and felt every single emotion-happiness, fear, sorrow, anxiety and many-many more. I could relate with the mother in Ammu, with the lover in Velutha, with the child in Rahel and Estha, with the pain Rahel felt when she saw Estha didn’t respond to her. I cried when Ammu died in the hotel room and when Rahel didn’t feel sad about it, I cried when Estha was cut out from Rahel and was sent off to somewhere unknown to a person they called Baba, I cried when Estha and Rahel broke the nature’s law of love –who should be loved and how much?

Its awesome, the way the author captured every detail of the characters she introduced in the book, the way she portrayed every feeing they would have experienced at the different situations in the story. I read it, enjoyed it, and relished every bit of it until the last word in the last page of the book.

Life is so!!

“Have u ever seen light rays passing through dense trees in a forest ?” she asked me all of a sudden. Even before I could relate to her talk she replied,”I have and it looks so inspiring,so beautiful. Just like how breathtakingly refreshing these snow covered mountains look.” I smiled at the innocence that floated in her deep black eyes. Were they this beautiful even before? Her cheeks were blushed as pink as the roses she was fond of. Her smile reminded me of our little daughter back home who must be eagerly waiting for our return,with the teddy bear I promised I would get her. I had always felt I had never been able to love her as much as I was capable of. Not because she was not worth it,in fact I felt I was not worth her and this realization hurt me even more. Not very long back,when I was younger, I had met a girl,I wouldn't mention her name because she wouldn't like it,because even today her likes, her smile and priorities mattered to me. I had never been close to anyone as I was to her, I found my reflection in her. We had the same likes and dislikes, we shared similar tastes in everything from food to friends. Whoever told opposites attract was not true in our relationship, we were soul mates. I dreamt of a life with her, of a lifetime of happiness and everything people say a fairytale had. We were together for more than seven years(nick named Siamese twins in college) and then she left to London,where her parents were. She never returned,she said she didn't want to. It broke me into thousand pieces or more...I was devastated....but then gradually I gained my life back,or so I claimed,I devoted all my time to work and climbed the stairs of success at a faster pace than others. I got married as per my parents wishes,to a girl my parents thought was fit for me. I had no opinion in the matter at all because all I could think of even then was about my love who had bid me bye for no reason I could think of. After five years of being married to my wife and having a lovely little angel for a daughter,life was moving on. But every night when I go to sleep I thought of her,it was as if I was haunted by her memories. I was never able to forgive her nor was I able to hate her. The fact was that I still loved her,missed her touch on my face,her fingers that she ran through my hair, her soft lips that showered me with kisses. No matter how hard I tried it was impossible to leave her thoughts aside,to forget her. But today after so long I saw how beautiful my wife was. She had taken me out on a vacation,just the two of us,she had made sure we go somewhere very remote,where technology wouldn't pull me back to work,where we could be completely to ourselves. She held my hands and ran in the snow,I ran too, smiling and laughing along with her. Something in me asked me to let go,to forgive and to forget,to try being what my wife expected me to be,what my baby wanted me to be. A calmness engulfed me, a halo of peace. That night, before going to sleep, all I thought of was of the day we spent together and of my new found love for her.

A Rendezvous in the RTO

I had been planning to learn car driving for some time. It materialized a week back when I joined a driving school. I had applied for my learner’s license the very next day I joined. I was asked to ‘prepare’ well, was given a pamphlet with all sorts of road signs. I did prepare and made a mental note of the difficult ones. On the morning of the test I set off with my husband to accompany me. He kept reminding me what a shame it would be if I didn’t clear. The pressure got on to me by the time we were at the RTO. I was taken to a room to get my picture clicked and to get the documents verified and then was asked to wait to go for the online exam. My name was called in 10 minutes and I climbed the stairs to reach my exam hall. There I saw around seven others waiting for their turns. There were three officials sitting on their desks and two examinees writing or rather attempting to write the test. Then I see that the questions were in Tamil, in which I was as ignorant as in Greek or Latin… well, I also noticed there was a lot of help being offered. One lady called out to the officials, almost yelling,” Saar, enakku ithu onnume puriyile”(Sir, I don’t understand any of this). One of the officers there got up and went and stood beside her, pulled the mouse from her and completed the exam in 10 seconds and declared “Pass”. I was flabbergasted. I was called next (courtesy of being a woman, women were being called first). I went and sat in front of the system. Someone came and explained to me about how to use the mouse and how to click on the right answer, I felt a little self pity there, as I was a software engineer!!! I then declared that I didn’t know Tamil and that I need the questions in English. He looked at me as if I had asked something inappropriate. And then said, ’’Madam, English no help, Tamil I help ’’. I explained to him that I can’t read Tamil, to which he offered to do my test for me in Tamil. I declined the rather very lucrative offer and went ahead with my exam in English. I passed with flying colours; I got a seven out of eight. The officer was glad and seemed happier than me. He said,” Very good, very good madam.” And ..AAha..I felt proud of myself. I will be starting with my practical sessions soon, waiting to see what that has to offer me…

A Lonely Lane

I walked down the lonely lanes of that place. The gulmohars were in full bloom. The refresheshing red flowers had covered the road,resembling a bright red carpet.The trees were dancing to the tune played by the light breeze. It was marvelous. I had never expected to be back here ever.It felt like a dream.Not a dream come true,just a dream,a dream I felt I was going to complete seeing now..I had vowed not to return here,but sometimes destiny’s tryst is really strange,it brings you back to complete the cycle. The woods were still as thick as they were ten years ago,it was even more silent though.I sat on the old hollow pipe that ran through the place,it was there even before my first day there, I have always wondered what it was meant for,never got the answer. This place is so fresh in my mind ,but the memories are fresher. This was where I had I got the best friends and also the love they say is for life.Those were my college days and that used to be my campus. I had learnt lot many things here,not the bookish knowledge but the wisdom life had offered to teach. Those were the days when life was filled with hope and colours. The days when thoughts ‘who am I’,’Whats my existence for’ cropped up.I found no answers then,neither did I have them now.I wish my days here had ended in happiness like so many others.I wish I could come for the reunions and alumnae.I wish my life were as normal as other’s life was.Three and a half years of fairytale life came to an end on the final semester exam day, when those bloody eyes came in searching for someone in the class.When he dragged my life out to the corridors and put an end to it.He killed a revolutionary, a promising young leader who could have done so many things for the society,for the country.He also killed a loving heart, a dear friend and my dream. All my dreams had only one colour now,red.My eyes were never dry.
And after all those years,that was the day when the wrongdoer was punished,he was imprisoned for life.Was that the justise I wanted?Is that what I had waited for? I don’t know,I will never know. I felt someone hold my hands,pulling me to walk along,to move ahead.I knew this was where his soul was,young,vibrant and strong. I moved on,walked down those lanes feeling his presence in the wind,with love still as fresh as ever.