Life is so!!

“Have u ever seen light rays passing through dense trees in a forest ?” she asked me all of a sudden. Even before I could relate to her talk she replied,”I have and it looks so inspiring,so beautiful. Just like how breathtakingly refreshing these snow covered mountains look.” I smiled at the innocence that floated in her deep black eyes. Were they this beautiful even before? Her cheeks were blushed as pink as the roses she was fond of. Her smile reminded me of our little daughter back home who must be eagerly waiting for our return,with the teddy bear I promised I would get her. I had always felt I had never been able to love her as much as I was capable of. Not because she was not worth it,in fact I felt I was not worth her and this realization hurt me even more. Not very long back,when I was younger, I had met a girl,I wouldn't mention her name because she wouldn't like it,because even today her likes, her smile and priorities mattered to me. I had never been close to anyone as I was to her, I found my reflection in her. We had the same likes and dislikes, we shared similar tastes in everything from food to friends. Whoever told opposites attract was not true in our relationship, we were soul mates. I dreamt of a life with her, of a lifetime of happiness and everything people say a fairytale had. We were together for more than seven years(nick named Siamese twins in college) and then she left to London,where her parents were. She never returned,she said she didn't want to. It broke me into thousand pieces or more...I was devastated....but then gradually I gained my life back,or so I claimed,I devoted all my time to work and climbed the stairs of success at a faster pace than others. I got married as per my parents wishes,to a girl my parents thought was fit for me. I had no opinion in the matter at all because all I could think of even then was about my love who had bid me bye for no reason I could think of. After five years of being married to my wife and having a lovely little angel for a daughter,life was moving on. But every night when I go to sleep I thought of her,it was as if I was haunted by her memories. I was never able to forgive her nor was I able to hate her. The fact was that I still loved her,missed her touch on my face,her fingers that she ran through my hair, her soft lips that showered me with kisses. No matter how hard I tried it was impossible to leave her thoughts aside,to forget her. But today after so long I saw how beautiful my wife was. She had taken me out on a vacation,just the two of us,she had made sure we go somewhere very remote,where technology wouldn't pull me back to work,where we could be completely to ourselves. She held my hands and ran in the snow,I ran too, smiling and laughing along with her. Something in me asked me to let go,to forgive and to forget,to try being what my wife expected me to be,what my baby wanted me to be. A calmness engulfed me, a halo of peace. That night, before going to sleep, all I thought of was of the day we spent together and of my new found love for her.

A Rendezvous in the RTO

I had been planning to learn car driving for some time. It materialized a week back when I joined a driving school. I had applied for my learner’s license the very next day I joined. I was asked to ‘prepare’ well, was given a pamphlet with all sorts of road signs. I did prepare and made a mental note of the difficult ones. On the morning of the test I set off with my husband to accompany me. He kept reminding me what a shame it would be if I didn’t clear. The pressure got on to me by the time we were at the RTO. I was taken to a room to get my picture clicked and to get the documents verified and then was asked to wait to go for the online exam. My name was called in 10 minutes and I climbed the stairs to reach my exam hall. There I saw around seven others waiting for their turns. There were three officials sitting on their desks and two examinees writing or rather attempting to write the test. Then I see that the questions were in Tamil, in which I was as ignorant as in Greek or Latin… well, I also noticed there was a lot of help being offered. One lady called out to the officials, almost yelling,” Saar, enakku ithu onnume puriyile”(Sir, I don’t understand any of this). One of the officers there got up and went and stood beside her, pulled the mouse from her and completed the exam in 10 seconds and declared “Pass”. I was flabbergasted. I was called next (courtesy of being a woman, women were being called first). I went and sat in front of the system. Someone came and explained to me about how to use the mouse and how to click on the right answer, I felt a little self pity there, as I was a software engineer!!! I then declared that I didn’t know Tamil and that I need the questions in English. He looked at me as if I had asked something inappropriate. And then said, ’’Madam, English no help, Tamil I help ’’. I explained to him that I can’t read Tamil, to which he offered to do my test for me in Tamil. I declined the rather very lucrative offer and went ahead with my exam in English. I passed with flying colours; I got a seven out of eight. The officer was glad and seemed happier than me. He said,” Very good, very good madam.” And ..AAha..I felt proud of myself. I will be starting with my practical sessions soon, waiting to see what that has to offer me…

A Lonely Lane

I walked down the lonely lanes of that place. The gulmohars were in full bloom. The refresheshing red flowers had covered the road,resembling a bright red carpet.The trees were dancing to the tune played by the light breeze. It was marvelous. I had never expected to be back here ever.It felt like a dream.Not a dream come true,just a dream,a dream I felt I was going to complete seeing now..I had vowed not to return here,but sometimes destiny’s tryst is really strange,it brings you back to complete the cycle. The woods were still as thick as they were ten years ago,it was even more silent though.I sat on the old hollow pipe that ran through the place,it was there even before my first day there, I have always wondered what it was meant for,never got the answer. This place is so fresh in my mind ,but the memories are fresher. This was where I had I got the best friends and also the love they say is for life.Those were my college days and that used to be my campus. I had learnt lot many things here,not the bookish knowledge but the wisdom life had offered to teach. Those were the days when life was filled with hope and colours. The days when thoughts ‘who am I’,’Whats my existence for’ cropped up.I found no answers then,neither did I have them now.I wish my days here had ended in happiness like so many others.I wish I could come for the reunions and alumnae.I wish my life were as normal as other’s life was.Three and a half years of fairytale life came to an end on the final semester exam day, when those bloody eyes came in searching for someone in the class.When he dragged my life out to the corridors and put an end to it.He killed a revolutionary, a promising young leader who could have done so many things for the society,for the country.He also killed a loving heart, a dear friend and my dream. All my dreams had only one colour now,red.My eyes were never dry.
And after all those years,that was the day when the wrongdoer was punished,he was imprisoned for life.Was that the justise I wanted?Is that what I had waited for? I don’t know,I will never know. I felt someone hold my hands,pulling me to walk along,to move ahead.I knew this was where his soul was,young,vibrant and strong. I moved on,walked down those lanes feeling his presence in the wind,with love still as fresh as ever.

A Will to go...

I have turned 74 today. My children live in distant places now. I still remember them as the little babies they were in my arms, who had held my hands and cried disagreeing to go to school, who considered me their best buddy during their teenage, who made me proud by doing well for themselves in the career paths they chose. They ask me to leave my home and stay with them now. My lovely dear grandchildren too force me all the while. But to leave this place, where Vinay and I had started our lives together, where we had gone through everything life threw at us, where he took his last breath,was next to impossible to me. I loved him dearly, more than anyone else in my life, probably even more than Vishak and Aditya, my children. We were strangers when we married. All I had seen was his photo till our wedding day. When I saw him for the first time, the first impression I got was, he must be someone who takes life very seriously. I felt very immature in front of him. But as we proceeded and got to know each other, it all changed. We were best friends ever since. He kept me happy and I consider myself very lucky to have got him as my life partner. I have had a very rewarding life in all aspects. I am a very content person. Vinay had taken care of all my priorities and had been with me whenever I needed him. It is a sad thought to leave him alone here and go to the better place my children insist. They are all here to celebrate my birthday and to take me along with them when they leave tomorrow. Before leaving I have done my duty of splitting all that we had saved into two equal parts for our children. The Will is ready to be executed once I leave to someplace none knows, when I would live only in memories. I tended to my lovely garden, smelt the beautiful roses, walked on the fresh green grass, sat on the bench we had placed to drink tea every evening. I did everything I thought I would miss when I leave here. But there is something that keeps telling me that I wont have to go…someone whispers to me to go to sleep in peace. I am off to bed; I need to switch the lights off.

Wrapped memories

When I flipped through the album yesterday, one picture particularly caught my attention. I was maybe ten or eleven and was at my grandma's place for the summer vacations when its was clicked. We were four cousins of almost the same age. The picture was me clinging on to a swing tied to the mango tree and my brother pushing it as hard as he could. I could see my hair that was short then fly in the wind and my thin legs stretched out from my knee length frock. I seemed so happy and carefree. The photo flooded me with so many memories...all kept safely locked in some chamber of my heart. I remembered the summer vacations spent in Kerala every year...the clear blue skies,lush green trees,the river beds on which we ran, for no clue how many miles, the hot sunny afternoons,the sudden showers in which we drenched happily,the in numerous mangoes we ate,all the games of hide and seek,the compulsory prayer time at the dusk when we chanted the prayers mechanically,hurrying to complete it,and on and on it went.
I remembered my last vacation there when I was done with my board exams. I had reached my grandma's house before all my cousins as my exams got over early. My brother was to join me in a month's time. He was to do with his entrance exams,so I was a good riddance at home for him prepare in peace. I was bored there. I tried to help ammama with cooking, helped achachan with gardening..Nothing caught my fancy. I missed my cousins a lot and was praying for these days to fly soon.
One such boring day, our neighbour, she was also my mom's friend,came over for a chat with ammama. She was very happy to see me. She had a very good collection of books,thats what amma had told me. I asked her if I could borrow some. She took me home with her. I fell in love with her collection,it wasn't a collection,it was a library. She said I was welcome there anytime and that I could also wander in the large mango garden she owned. Her house was a beautiful one in the midst of these huge trees that bore the delicious fruits. I have been to her place many times with amma. But those are the only times I have been there, never by myself. She had never married and hence her having no children seemed very obvious to me then. I never asked her why...never wanted to disturb the poise she displayed.
Within a couple of days we were best friends. She suggested books I could read,made me fresh lemonade,which were the best I have tasted till date, went picking mangoes together, eating don't know how many ripe mangoes everyday, talking about everything under the sun,she loved plaiting my hair for me which I readily agreed to as I was too lazy anyways... I wondered how I missed out someone so good, so near, for so many years.. One afternoon when I went over to her place to meet her, I met him for the first time. When he was introduced to me, I came to know he was her nephew. I remember how I was instantly attracted to him. He too was here for his vacation and would leave in a weeks time. Our friendship took off the very moment. He was fond of reading too. We talked about our favourite books,authors,plots,then of hobbies,school,friends,family.. We were like three very close friends chatting for ever...I loved the evening time we got for ourselves alone when we walked in the shallow river, sat watching the sunset and finally returned home after visiting the small temple nearby. One week flew by and time had come for him to leave. I felt very sad though all my cousins were going to join me the very next day,something I was yearning for. The day before he left he had taken my pictures and insisted I smiled in all of them. We had started early for our evening walk that day,on the way to the river bank, in the mango garden he kissed me on my cheeks after making sure there was no one around. That was my first kiss. And the only one I received for a long time afterwards too. Though we had promised to keep in touch,we didn't go more than a letter each from each other.. I have not met him after that day.
That was my last vacation there, as grandma passed away the same year and grandpa too the following year. We never felt like going there without them there. I met aunty a couple of times but something in me stopped me from asking about him...
I had completed seeing the album by then.. I dragged myself out of my bed and memories and went down for a walk,not by the river banks but in the small joggers park near my place.

.........bell.......

On a lazy rainy morning,as I was sitting with a cup of coffee,enjoying the beautiful greens from my window,i heard a bell ringing,from a far away place,it seemed. Its been only a week since I moved in to this heavenly abode. Its not an ad of any resort,but a house I have been yearning to own since I was a little girl. By owning it, I don't mean to have bought it with my money,it is yet another advantage of being a daughter of a filthy rich father. All of my monetary wishes are granted and dreams are turned to reality...its a compensation to the time he cant spend with us. By 'us' I mean my elder sis and myself.
I have been dreaming to live here since my childhood. Its been part of my fairy tales. My grandma was very fond of reading and had a huge collection of books. We sisters used to wait for the schools to shut for vacations,that is when we could be with her. She was a storyteller. And no matter what, my mind always imagined all the stories taking place here...it was a beautiful tile thatched house,in the midst of evergreen lushy trees...and it looked exceptional during rains..
This house belonged to an old engineer,who was a hero in his times..my grandma's tales comprised of his bravery(the way he fought for the weaker section) too...he was my prince charming in the fairy tales I heard..It was after his death,that his son decided to sell the place. I asked my father for it,and he obliged. And now I am here.
This village, by the banks of the large river that flows,is where I was born,is where I lost my mother,is where I learnt to speak and read my mother tongue,is where my grandma was..I find this place close to my heart, I have been to many places in the world(courtesy my father),but here I felt I was with my people..on my land...
Yes,the 'Bell', I wondered where it rang from..it was a sad sounding and had a melancholy rhythm..
I tried to forget about it and tried to go ahead with my daily activities..but it kept ringing in my ears.
In the evening I went out for a walk. It was warm and a cool breeze blew. I walked towards the market. It was bustling with activities there. Men unloading and arranging vegetables and fruits,hawkers shouting out prices of their goods,it was very colorful. It was then that I heard a shopkeeper speak of the bell..He was telling how unfortunate it was...and good that the church could take her in...n so on.
I went n enquired and came to know that there was a church over the hill,which had a huge bell tied in the front. It is usually rung when someone is in deep distress. This time it was for a baby. She was only a week old and was dropped at the church door.
I decided to go n see the baby. The mother there was a very pious lady. She took me to the crib the baby slept in,all cuddled up. She was an angel,I wondered how someone could have the heart to leave her to face the world alone. I came back home, with her face on my mind all the while.
Six months after that incident,today she is with me,as my daughter,in my dream house,where all my childhood fairytales took place....

Why am I here????

There have been times when I have thought I need to start writing again. Not because I am too good at it..in fact I need to learn to..but cos it gives me immense pleasure..it makes me happy..
Now that I am back at work,and my little one is doing great in her fifth month of life,i thought I could spare a little time in what I enjoy doing the most when in I am in my own company –'WRITE'.
Life has changed immensely,compared to what it used to be when I was a 'Ms' to what it is to be a 'Mrs,' and now being a mom its entirely different. Life has become fast paced,I have to grab time to do things I like to do. Every minute counts....
As we move ahead(as we grow old,'a saddening thought'),comes the realization of how precious childhood and teenage was. Now,if given a chance I would fill in my younger days with many more moments I could carry forward and cherish. To think of the days in hostel when I just slept on for hours cos I had nothing else to do(Study??? thats only a day before the exam),now I wish I could have utilized it to do something else..sob..cos now,I wish I could accommodate a night stroll,a game of cards,complete a novel,or even just not bothering to cook n clean on some days...
So,in my khoj to do something I enjoy,I opted for "THIS".
Here I can write my heart out,whenever I find time and maybe some of my friends may even read them for my relief...so here I am with FESTILIFE...or Festival called Life...