Life is so!!

“Have u ever seen light rays passing through dense trees in a forest ?” she asked me all of a sudden. Even before I could relate to her talk she replied,”I have and it looks so inspiring,so beautiful. Just like how breathtakingly refreshing these snow covered mountains look.” I smiled at the innocence that floated in her deep black eyes. Were they this beautiful even before? Her cheeks were blushed as pink as the roses she was fond of. Her smile reminded me of our little daughter back home who must be eagerly waiting for our return,with the teddy bear I promised I would get her. I had always felt I had never been able to love her as much as I was capable of. Not because she was not worth it,in fact I felt I was not worth her and this realization hurt me even more. Not very long back,when I was younger, I had met a girl,I wouldn't mention her name because she wouldn't like it,because even today her likes, her smile and priorities mattered to me. I had never been close to anyone as I was to her, I found my reflection in her. We had the same likes and dislikes, we shared similar tastes in everything from food to friends. Whoever told opposites attract was not true in our relationship, we were soul mates. I dreamt of a life with her, of a lifetime of happiness and everything people say a fairytale had. We were together for more than seven years(nick named Siamese twins in college) and then she left to London,where her parents were. She never returned,she said she didn't want to. It broke me into thousand pieces or more...I was devastated....but then gradually I gained my life back,or so I claimed,I devoted all my time to work and climbed the stairs of success at a faster pace than others. I got married as per my parents wishes,to a girl my parents thought was fit for me. I had no opinion in the matter at all because all I could think of even then was about my love who had bid me bye for no reason I could think of. After five years of being married to my wife and having a lovely little angel for a daughter,life was moving on. But every night when I go to sleep I thought of her,it was as if I was haunted by her memories. I was never able to forgive her nor was I able to hate her. The fact was that I still loved her,missed her touch on my face,her fingers that she ran through my hair, her soft lips that showered me with kisses. No matter how hard I tried it was impossible to leave her thoughts aside,to forget her. But today after so long I saw how beautiful my wife was. She had taken me out on a vacation,just the two of us,she had made sure we go somewhere very remote,where technology wouldn't pull me back to work,where we could be completely to ourselves. She held my hands and ran in the snow,I ran too, smiling and laughing along with her. Something in me asked me to let go,to forgive and to forget,to try being what my wife expected me to be,what my baby wanted me to be. A calmness engulfed me, a halo of peace. That night, before going to sleep, all I thought of was of the day we spent together and of my new found love for her.

A Rendezvous in the RTO

I had been planning to learn car driving for some time. It materialized a week back when I joined a driving school. I had applied for my learner’s license the very next day I joined. I was asked to ‘prepare’ well, was given a pamphlet with all sorts of road signs. I did prepare and made a mental note of the difficult ones. On the morning of the test I set off with my husband to accompany me. He kept reminding me what a shame it would be if I didn’t clear. The pressure got on to me by the time we were at the RTO. I was taken to a room to get my picture clicked and to get the documents verified and then was asked to wait to go for the online exam. My name was called in 10 minutes and I climbed the stairs to reach my exam hall. There I saw around seven others waiting for their turns. There were three officials sitting on their desks and two examinees writing or rather attempting to write the test. Then I see that the questions were in Tamil, in which I was as ignorant as in Greek or Latin… well, I also noticed there was a lot of help being offered. One lady called out to the officials, almost yelling,” Saar, enakku ithu onnume puriyile”(Sir, I don’t understand any of this). One of the officers there got up and went and stood beside her, pulled the mouse from her and completed the exam in 10 seconds and declared “Pass”. I was flabbergasted. I was called next (courtesy of being a woman, women were being called first). I went and sat in front of the system. Someone came and explained to me about how to use the mouse and how to click on the right answer, I felt a little self pity there, as I was a software engineer!!! I then declared that I didn’t know Tamil and that I need the questions in English. He looked at me as if I had asked something inappropriate. And then said, ’’Madam, English no help, Tamil I help ’’. I explained to him that I can’t read Tamil, to which he offered to do my test for me in Tamil. I declined the rather very lucrative offer and went ahead with my exam in English. I passed with flying colours; I got a seven out of eight. The officer was glad and seemed happier than me. He said,” Very good, very good madam.” And ..AAha..I felt proud of myself. I will be starting with my practical sessions soon, waiting to see what that has to offer me…

A Lonely Lane

I walked down the lonely lanes of that place. The gulmohars were in full bloom. The refresheshing red flowers had covered the road,resembling a bright red carpet.The trees were dancing to the tune played by the light breeze. It was marvelous. I had never expected to be back here ever.It felt like a dream.Not a dream come true,just a dream,a dream I felt I was going to complete seeing now..I had vowed not to return here,but sometimes destiny’s tryst is really strange,it brings you back to complete the cycle. The woods were still as thick as they were ten years ago,it was even more silent though.I sat on the old hollow pipe that ran through the place,it was there even before my first day there, I have always wondered what it was meant for,never got the answer. This place is so fresh in my mind ,but the memories are fresher. This was where I had I got the best friends and also the love they say is for life.Those were my college days and that used to be my campus. I had learnt lot many things here,not the bookish knowledge but the wisdom life had offered to teach. Those were the days when life was filled with hope and colours. The days when thoughts ‘who am I’,’Whats my existence for’ cropped up.I found no answers then,neither did I have them now.I wish my days here had ended in happiness like so many others.I wish I could come for the reunions and alumnae.I wish my life were as normal as other’s life was.Three and a half years of fairytale life came to an end on the final semester exam day, when those bloody eyes came in searching for someone in the class.When he dragged my life out to the corridors and put an end to it.He killed a revolutionary, a promising young leader who could have done so many things for the society,for the country.He also killed a loving heart, a dear friend and my dream. All my dreams had only one colour now,red.My eyes were never dry.
And after all those years,that was the day when the wrongdoer was punished,he was imprisoned for life.Was that the justise I wanted?Is that what I had waited for? I don’t know,I will never know. I felt someone hold my hands,pulling me to walk along,to move ahead.I knew this was where his soul was,young,vibrant and strong. I moved on,walked down those lanes feeling his presence in the wind,with love still as fresh as ever.

A Will to go...

I have turned 74 today. My children live in distant places now. I still remember them as the little babies they were in my arms, who had held my hands and cried disagreeing to go to school, who considered me their best buddy during their teenage, who made me proud by doing well for themselves in the career paths they chose. They ask me to leave my home and stay with them now. My lovely dear grandchildren too force me all the while. But to leave this place, where Vinay and I had started our lives together, where we had gone through everything life threw at us, where he took his last breath,was next to impossible to me. I loved him dearly, more than anyone else in my life, probably even more than Vishak and Aditya, my children. We were strangers when we married. All I had seen was his photo till our wedding day. When I saw him for the first time, the first impression I got was, he must be someone who takes life very seriously. I felt very immature in front of him. But as we proceeded and got to know each other, it all changed. We were best friends ever since. He kept me happy and I consider myself very lucky to have got him as my life partner. I have had a very rewarding life in all aspects. I am a very content person. Vinay had taken care of all my priorities and had been with me whenever I needed him. It is a sad thought to leave him alone here and go to the better place my children insist. They are all here to celebrate my birthday and to take me along with them when they leave tomorrow. Before leaving I have done my duty of splitting all that we had saved into two equal parts for our children. The Will is ready to be executed once I leave to someplace none knows, when I would live only in memories. I tended to my lovely garden, smelt the beautiful roses, walked on the fresh green grass, sat on the bench we had placed to drink tea every evening. I did everything I thought I would miss when I leave here. But there is something that keeps telling me that I wont have to go…someone whispers to me to go to sleep in peace. I am off to bed; I need to switch the lights off.